Focus on the Family : Toddler Years Are a Brief, Delightful Time for Parents

QUESTION: My baby is only a year old, and she is a joy to my husband and me. But your description of toddlerhood is kind of scary. It's just around the corner. Are the "terrible twos "really so terrible ?

DR. DOBSON: I think the toddler years are delightful. It is a period of dynamic blossoming and unfolding. New words are being learned daily, and the cute verbal expressions of that age will be remembered for half a century. It is a time of excitement over fairy stories and Santa Claus and furry puppy dogs. And most important, it is a precious time of loving and warmth that will scurry by all too quickly and will never return.

Admittedly, the toddler years can also be quite challenging to a busy mother. Not the least of her frustrations is the negativism of that period of development. It has been said that all human beings can be classified into two broad categories: those who would vote "yes"to the various propositions of life, and those who would be inclined to vote "no. "I can tell you with confidence that each toddler around the world would definitely cast a negative vote.

If there is one word that characterizes the period between 15 and 24 months of age, it is "no. "No, he doesn't want to eat his cereal. No, he doesn't want to play with his dump truck. No, he doesn't want to take his bath. And you can be sure, no, he doesn't want to get to bed anytime at all. It is easy to see why this period of life has been called "the first adolescence," because of the negatives, conflict and independence of the age.

Perhaps the most irritating aspect of the "terrible twos"is the tendency of kids to spill things, destroy things, eat horrible things, fall off things, flush things, kill things and get into things. They also have a knack for doing embarrassing things, like sneezing on a nearby man at a lunch counter.

During these toddler years, any unexplained silence of more than 30 seconds can throw an adult into a sudden state of panic. What mother has not had the shock of opening the bedroom to find Tony Tornado covered with lipstick from the top of his pink head to the carpet on which he stands ? On the wall is his own artistic creation with a red handprint in the center, and throughout the room is the aroma of Chanel No. 5 with which he has anointed his baby brother. Wouldn't it be interesting to hold a national convention sometime, bringing together all the mothers who have experienced that exact trauma ?

Yes, toddlerhood is challenging, but it is also a wonderful time of life. It will last but a brief moment in time. There are millions of older parents today with grown children who would give all they possess to relive those bubbly days with their toddlers. Enjoy these years to the fullest.

QUESTION: Our 24-month-old son is not yet toilet trained, although my mother-in-law feels he should be under control now. Should we spank him for using his pants instead of the potty ?

DR. DOBSON: No. Suggest that your mother-in-law cool down a bit. It is entirely possible that your child can't control himself at this age. The last thing you want to do is punish a child of any age for an offense which he can't comprehend. If I had to err on this matter, it would be in the direction of being too late, rather than too early. Furthermore, the best approach to potty training is with rewards and encouragement rather than with punishment. Give him a sucker (or sugarless candy ) for performing his duty. When you've proved that he can comply, then you can hold him responsible in the future.

• • • Dr. Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995 (www. family. org ). Questions and answers are excerpted from "Solid Answers "and "Bringing Up Boys," both published by Tyndale House.

Deborah and Derek have 13 children - and they want more. Decca Aitkenhead meets them

Deborah and Derek Simpson live in a modest terraced house in East Kilbride, Lanarkshire. On the front step are neatly tended flower pots - the sort of house-proud gardening detail you often see outside homes after children leave home, when parents find themselves with a bit of time on their hands. But the door is answered by a woman holding a toddler.

Deborah is 43, but looks at least 10 years younger. Once inside, you would think you were in the typical home of a modern family with one or two young kids. She and Derek, 44, coo over their little boy with the wide-eyed delight of new parents, and their living room gives the impression of having never known a moment's domestic rough and tumble, let alone the muddle of infant clutter and grubby fingers. There are no industrial-sized appliances or fittings, and apart from the tumble dryer in the hall turning almost permanently, there is little clue to how many people live here.

Halfway through the afternoon, however, the front door swings open. The first ones home are from primary school - two boys and two girls, gap-toothed and soft-limbed, from six to 11 years old. Then Derek fetches the little ones from the nursery, a boy and a girl of three and four, who tear out to the back garden to play in the afternoon sunshine. A 17-year-old daughter saunters in and out next, before more get home from secondary school - three boys of 12, 13 and 15. Their two big sisters, 20 and 21, have moved out to live with their fiances - but only round the corner, and they still like to pop home for tea.

Were you to put all the kids from six average families in one house, you still wouldn't have as many as Derek and Deborah Simpson. With 13, aged from two to 21, Deborah has now been pregnant for 117 months - almost 10 years of her life. They spend between £600 and £700 at the supermarket every week, and pocket money alone works out at £240 a month. When the whole family goes on holiday together, they have to hire a bus, and if Deborah and Derek ever get a whole uninterrupted hour together in the evening, they laugh that it's the equivalent of most people's two-week summer holiday.

"A lot of women have come up to me and said, 'I've got two and I can't wait for them to be grown up and out my hair,'" Deborah marvels, wide-eyed. "I just think that's sad. I can't even imagine feeling that because I enjoy every single minute of them. We just love babies."

Deborah and Derek love them so much, in fact, that they are now trying for their 14th.

The couple never planned on having a big family when they got together in their late teens. Deborah nearly died giving birth to their first child, and they thought they would never have another.

"But," she says, "it has always just come to a point, when they get a little bit bigger, when we say, 'Oh, we'd love to have another one.' We never really discussed it - we just hoped it would happen. And it did."

After their fourth arrived, relatives began to ask if they didn't think that was enough. Neither comes from a particularly big family - Deborah was one of two, Derek one of four - and there was no religious motivation for keeping going. Softly spoken and self-effacing, they seem entirely conventional and their children's names have faithfully followed the prevailing fashions, starting with Chloe and Kimberly and ending with Jade and Orlando. They are, however, formidably determined to prove it is possible to have a big family without letting standards slip.

Every morning at 6am, Derek wakes the children, makes their breakfast and packed lunches, and then supervises them while they do their homework at two tables in the kitchen and living room. Deborah gets the three little ones up, dresses and washes them, then fixes all the girls' hair with plaits and ribbons, before the older ones head off to school. Derek walks the younger ones to the nearby primary, then walks to the Department for International Development, where he has been a civil servant since 1981, and now works flexitime.

He spends a couple of hours in the office, before coming home to walk the two little ones to nursery. By then, Deborah has spent the morning doing housework, and they have a couple of hours with just the baby at home, when Derek can work from home on his laptop and she can get out to go shopping, before he leaves to collect the children from nursery and primary school.

They cook together between 4pm and 5pm, and three times a week one of them heads off to Sainsbury's - usually Derek, because Deborah can't carry all the groceries they need. At 8pm they bath and put the youngest children to bed. The next lot go at 9pm, and after the eldest are in bed at 10pm, Derek finishes off his day's work on his laptop, while Deborah irons nine freshly laundered school uniforms, and lays them out ready for the following morning.

Nine clean, ironed outfits - every single day? "Oh, I just wouldn't let them go in without a clean uniform on. I think a lot of people think that because you are a big family, you're not going to put that effort in, and I just from the very start thought no, they've got to be neat and tidy and everything. They can come in looking however they like, but they have to go out looking right. That's what my mum always used to say. If they go out clean you know you're doing your job, basically."

That is the typical day in the Simpson household - before anyone gets ill or needs to go to the dentist, or gets into trouble at school, or floods the bath, or loses their satchel. The parents run through the routine as though it were perfectly ordinary, and their commitment to the ideal of normality is unshakeable. "Our children," they stress repeatedly, "do not go without." They don't even think of themselves as a big family. Deborah says, "Because to us they are all just individual kids. People see them and they think, there's a clump of kids - but we've been through bringing them up from when they were tiny; we've been through all their good times and bad times, so I can never see them like that."

When I mention hand-me-downs, assuming the kids must pass down their clothes, she looks horrified. "Oh no, I don't like hand-me-downs. Like I said, they're all individuals and I don't want them thinking that because Mum and Dad had loads and loads of kids we got a lesser childhood. I don't think there's anything wrong with hand-me-downs, but if I can afford not to, I won't. If you go somewhere like Primark, clothes are so cheap now, I just go and buy them."

Even so, how can they run a family of 15 on Derek's salary? They say they just budget carefully and save up for Christmas and birthdays. They don't drive, but every year they rent a big house in Blackpool or Ayr, and a local bus company takes the whole family for a week's holiday. When people see them on the beach, Deborah laughs, they usually think it's some sort of creche day trip. Other than that, the couple go out together once or twice a year, if that. For one thing, the only babysitters who could cope are Deborah's mother or their eldest girls. More to the point, they say they just don't like to be away from the kids. Since the eldest was born, Deborah has spent one night alone away from them in 21 years, and was back within 24 hours. "Oh no," she shudders, "I just couldn't have coped with another night."

Watching them with their kids, the quality of intimacy and fulfilment is unmistakable - and very striking. If I'm honest, though, I find the level of sublimation slightly unnerving - and the tireless domestic perfectionism unimaginable. But to them, they say, it seems the most natural thing in the world. "I think this is just what I was meant to do," Deborah offers serenely.

Derek's colleagues were a bit surprised when he downshifted his promising career after their sixth child to work partly at home. "But I had got to the point," he explains, "where you ask yourself, what's your life all about? It forced me to address, why do you have kids? To be in their lives. So I took a step back to reassess my life and I realised, why am I working? I'm working for Deborah and the children. And if I'm not with them, then there's no point."

"There's no point in us arguing with each other, we're always solid," Deborah agrees. As far as I can see, neither of them ever stops smiling. "But if we're ever getting really stressed out we just give each other a cuddle and say, 'Look, it's OK, we're in this together.' Plus the spark is still there between us, it's always been there. I love Derek as much as I did the first time I saw him."

Occasionally, I get the feeling that the modern media stereotype of a big family as chaotic or dysfunctional makes them reluctant to acknowledge any dilemmas or difficulties, however trivial. They claim a queue never even forms outside their one bathroom door - which is a bit hard to believe - and the only thing Deborah admits can drive her mad is the background noise of the tumble dryer. "Today's probably the longest I've sat down for a long time, just talking to you. But that's all right, because I could never sit still now - it's not in my nature. I just want to keep the place looking normal." The children are given small household chores such as tidying their rooms. "But it's a sort of kiddy tidy," Deborah smiles, "So once they're all away to school I go up and tidy and vacuum."

I suspect they might, understandably, prefer to appear glassy-eyed or even Stepford Wives-like than like something out of Shameless.

"People judge you because of what they've seen on the telly," Deborah says. "They show a lot of families that are on the dole and demanding big giant houses and all that. And I'm not going to criticise those families, if that's what they want to do. I don't want to sit here on my high horse saying they shouldn't be doing that. But it's not the way I choose to live my life and, as far as I'm concerned, we've worked hard for everything we've got. Fair enough, if we were just letting them run riot and they weren't being brought up right, and we weren't looking after them and giving them the love, people would have every right to criticise us. But I feel like I put 110% in, and Derek the same."

The Simpsons feature in a Channel 4 documentary next week about big families. "We wanted to give people an insight into big families because they get a lot of bad press. We thought, we'll try to make that seem better." The film focuses on Deborah's dogged efforts to conceive a 14th child, involving everything from homeopathic supplements to reflexology, and she is still trying. Why does she want another one?

"My analogy would be that you see these people, these doctors maybe in their 60s, and they say, 'I don't want to retire because I'm a really good surgeon and I like doing it,' and nobody ever says anything about that. People have loads of cars and they buy really big houses and they can't even fill the rooms, and people think, good on them. Well, we just really enjoy having kids, and while we're healthy and can give them a good life I don't see anything wrong with it.

"We've had people say, 'Don't you think it's selfish to have that many kids?' But, to be honest, for 21 years we've been running around after kids, so I don't feel we've been selfish. I feel like we've put the work in. We're just ordinary people - we just like kids."

Why Toddler Travel Bed is Must For Single Mother?

Toddler travel beds are becoming an increasingly popular child sleep aid for parents on the go or for kids who need a little extra comfort in an unfamiliar environment. Travel beds for toddlers serve as a safe alternative to a large, unknown sleeping area that a child may come across when staying in a hotel room during a vacation or spending the night at grandma's house. The versatility of toddler travel bed not only extends outside of the home, but also allows children to sleep safely while in a transitional bedding phase.

Toddler travel bed is also a great way to accommodate a child who has outgrown the space of their crib, but is not yet big enough to spend their nights in a regular-sized bed. This convenient option also allows a parent to save money by bringing a travel bed into their home for a lower price rather than buying an "in-between" bed.

When it comes to choosing a proper portable bed for a toddler, there are plenty of options to consider. To provide ample airy comfort that will send your little one soaring into dreamland, there are inflatable air mattress beds that allow children to drift quietly off to sleep. I suggest that new parents should have child's portable travel bed because it helps in many ways.

Sometimes a simple cot selection will also do for your toddler, while lightweight play yards have been known to serve as a safe and fun opportunity for sleep. Below are a few suggestions regarding different types of travel beds available for toddlers:

Portable Air Bed

Many parents have experienced the ease and uniqueness of having portable travel bedding in their possession. When one is filled with air, a helpful sleep aid is created for children who are traveling on vacation, visiting a friend's house, or would like to sleep in different parts of their own home. With raised edges (similar to a lifeboat), this bedding choice makes sure a safe night of slumber awaits your little one.

Many air mattress models come with an air pump (sometimes wireless, rechargeable, and/or hands free). Most air beds inflate in less than a minute. This option is so handy that it can even accompany toddlers on a camping trip and make taking a nap at their daycare center much more comfortable.

Peapod Travel Bed

To keep infants safe and secure, the Peapod Travel Bed is an inflatable mattress that offers a little extra in its design. Surrounded by a zipper pocket, the mattress is covered by a fold-down design that pops up and twists into a comforting shelter for your toddler. When placed into its compact position, the Peapod is easy to transport, as well as clean. The sleeping pad is washable and the entire unit can be used for both indoor and outdoor adventures. You know where to find it - toysrus.

Additional Information On Travel Bed Items

There are also different items on the market that allow parents to transform various bed sizes into a safe environment for a toddler to sleep in. For example, inflatable bed rails are easy to pack and are often fashioned to fit any twin bed. For a sturdier product, there are also toddler travel bedside rails that are small enough to pack in suitcases, yet large enough to alter beds that are incompatible with the size of a toddler.

Every parent should have a toddler travel bed as this is useful irrespective of you are traveling or not.



By Arindam Chattopadhyaya

Parents Face Neglect Charges After Toddler Found Wandering

Two Eau Claire parents face child neglect charges after police officers found their toddler wandering the West Riverside Neighborhood on two recent occasions.

LaVonne Tillery, 24, and Phillip A. Geissler, 29, both of 2220 Second St., were charged with one count each of child abuse.

The maximum penalty for that charge is nine months in jail and a $10,000 fine. But because Tillery and Geissler had previous convictions, they could get an extra two years jail, if convicted.

Tillery's next court appearance is July 9 and Geissler has a June 17 appearance scheduled.

According to the criminal complaint, Eau Claire police officers found the 3-year-old girl wandering around Second Street at about 9:39 a.m. on May 24, wearing socks but no shoes.

Officers questioned nearby neighbors to find her parents and eventually were given an address about two blocks from where they found the girl.

When officers arrived at the home, there were car batteries and furniture on the lawn, missing windows and the home's interior had dog feces on the floor, dirty laundry scattered about and no electricity. The girl's bedroom had dog feces on the floor and on the bed.

Officers found the two parents upstairs and had to yell multiple times to wake them. Tillery claimed that medication made her drowsy and a preliminary alcohol test of Geissler showed that he had recently been drinking.

Another officer had been to the house several days earlier because the young girl had left the couple's yard through a hole in the fence.

The Eau Claire County Human Services Department began caring for the toddler and the couple surrendered a young puppy to the police.


By Leader-Telegram staff

Couple Dies After Using Generator For Power

Corpus Christi (AP) - A couple using a gas-powered generator because their electricity was shut off died while sleeping in their bed, apparently from carbon monoxide poisoning, authorities said.

Christopher Felix Guajardo, 22, and Ashley Flores, 21, were found dead Friday morning. Corpus Christi Fire Department battalion chief Jeff Willis suspects they died from the gas.

Family members said the couple were supposed to spend a night in a motel with other family members, but were found by Guajardo's nephew.

"I went inside and I smelled the gas and tried waking up my uncle and my tia, his girlfriend, but they wouldn't wake up," Juan Ramirez said.

The couple's toddler son was staying with a grandparent.

A couple using a gas-powered generator because their electricity was shut off died while sleeping in their bed, apparently from carbon monoxide poisoning, authorities said.

Christopher Felix Guajardo, 22, and Ashley Flores, 21, were found dead Friday morning. Corpus Christi Fire Department battalion chief Jeff Willis suspects they died from the gas.

Family members said the couple were supposed to spend a night in a motel with other family members, but were found by Guajardo's nephew.

"I went inside and I smelled the gas and tried waking up my uncle and my tia, his girlfriend, but they wouldn't wake up," Juan Ramirez said.

The couple's toddler son was staying with a grandparent.

by: Dan Garcia

Getaways without the kids

Have you had a trip ruined because a baby cried all night in the hotel room next to yours? Has your romantic dinner been eclipsed by a whining toddler at the next table?

If vacationing surrounded by children doesn't appeal to you, you are not alone. More people travel without children than with them, according to the Travel Industry Association. In 2006, the most recent year for which data is available, TIA reported that only about 30 percent of leisure trips in the United States included children.

It is relatively easy to locate the more free-spirited adults-only resorts, mostly in the Caribbean; hedonistic and clothing-optional places abound. It's harder to find non-X-rated places that ban children.

To help navigate the child-free travel maze, you might need the help of a professional. Elena Mathis owns Child Free Travel, an agency that focuses exclusively on travel without kids.

"I am child-free myself," Mathis says, "and I completely relate to my clients. There are no judgments or questions, just the desire to plan the best 'child-free' vacation possible."

Not all of her clients are child-free. "There is no typical client," says Mathis. "I have planned trips for honeymooners, empty-nesters, child-free married couples, couples who are dating or living together. It runs the gamut." One client was a mother who was celebrating her 60th birthday and "just didn't want to deal with kids."

One thing her clients have in common is the desire for a quiet, relaxing vacation. Most are seeking luxury accommodations, often with a romantic setting. Phillip Gharabegian, who has been using Mathis's agency for almost three years, craves a respite from his busy life as a lawyer in Los Angeles.

"My girlfriend and I were looking for an escape to a tropical location," he says. "While we're at a resort, we want something that is free of young children." Most recently they stayed at Maroma, an adults-only resort near Cancún that does not allow children under age 12 from May 28 to Dec. 21. No one under 16 is allowed during the rest of the year.

"Nothing breaks your relaxation quicker than noise," says Gharabegian. "We tend not to stay at resorts that cater to the spring break crowd either."

Peggy Gavan, a writer from Warwick, N.Y., wants to avoid chaos when she travels. "There is nothing more annoying than getting splashed in the hotel pool by screaming kids, having to dodge little kids running around the lobby . . . especially when you pay thousands of dollars for a vacation," she says.

Many seeking child-free vacations work with children. Katie Andrews, an English teacher from Los Angeles, simply wants to get away from it all.

"I am around kids all day as a teacher," she says, "and while I love my job, I am happy to leave the kids and the job in favor of mature company, and most of all, time alone doing my own thing."

Connie Warner, a riding instructor from Richmond, agrees. "I like working with kids, but I need an adult-only escape for fun." She wants to look into a meditation retreat or yoga vacation next time she travels.

For many vacationers, adults-only also means all-inclusive. Ginette King, a technical writer from Marin County, Calif., recently stayed at the Golden Crown Paradise hotel in Puerto Vallarta with her husband. "It has bars, multiple restaurants, a pool, beach activities, billiards. We specifically loved that it was for adults only."

A sister resort next door includes amenities for families. Guests staying at the adults-only resort can use both facilities, but families are restricted to their side. "For us it's the perfect combination," says King. "We could . . . play next door, and we could get away from the kids at our adult resort only a few steps away."

Finding a resort with an age restriction is the only reliable way to avoid children when traveling. But even when a resort or hotel does have a child-free policy, it may not be easy to find. "It's not usually in gleaming, huge letters right up front," says Mathis.

Roland Ballner, owner and manager of Hotel Cortisen in St. Wolfgang, Austria, recently switched to a child-free policy. "In October 2005 we decided to start our 'no-kids policy' with the beginning of the summer season," he says. "In the Alps there are no other hotels with that philosophy and I thought, this idea is missing in our area - just to guarantee an even more peaceful and relaxing atmosphere in our hotel."

There was a little fallout after the announcement that guests must be 13 or older, but soon people began to embrace the idea.

"In Austria there are 75 hotels which are focused on families with little kids and babies," says Ballner. "So, why not do something for the other side as well? Most of our guests are young parents. If they have the chance to leave the kids with Grandma, they are more than happy to enjoy the peaceful, child-free atmosphere."

Since Caesars Pocono Resorts in Pennsylvania opened in 1958, three of the four properties have had a minimum age of 18. "We know that our guests love spending time with their children at home, on family vacations, and in everyday life," says Mark Saari, director of marketing. "But they also know the importance of spending time together as just a couple."

"Our suites are especially designed for romance," says Saari. "Some have 7-foot-tall champagne glass whirlpool baths for two, in-suite pools, saunas, heart-shaped Jacuzzis, and luxurious round beds."

Upscale locations are not likely to fit into a family budget, and "out of the way" destinations are inconvenient for toting tots. Jerry Steinberg, founding "non-father" of the social group No Kidding, looks for unique places to stay on vacation. "We prefer renting waterfront cabins or staying in bed-and-breakfasts, as opposed to impersonal hotels, motels, and resorts," he said.

Working vacations, such as helping to rebuild New Orleans, are likely to attract older groups, although you may encounter some teens. Destination spas are becoming more popular, and rarely interest children.

Study tours are an option. Mathis recently attended a conference sponsored by Disney for another branch of her travel agency. She was surprised to discover a new escorted tour program called "Adventures by Disney" that includes tours limited to the 18-and-over crowd. "It falls in perfectly with my client base."

The National Trust for Historic Preservation also sponsors dozens of domestic and foreign study tours every year. While there is no guarantee there will be no children in your group, the price tag and itinerary suggest that only adults will find it appealing.

If you enjoy adult-oriented activities, you can also minimize your contact with children. "We do a lot of scuba diving in Mexico," says Gavan, "so we really don't have to search that hard for relatively child-free vacations since scuba diving is not a big activity for kids. We usually travel to Cozumel, which is a great adult dive community."

Looking for a cruise? P&O Cruises has two child-free ships, the Artemis and the Arcadia. Disney also offers ships with adults-only decks that include child-free pools and restaurants.

Timing is important if you want to avoid children; the spring and fall shoulder seasons and the off-season are when they are in school.

"We avoid traveling during the summer months," says Kaye Walters, of Santa Barbara, Calif., who is working on a book called "Kidfree & Lovin' It," "unless we are driving to a secluded cabin in the woods somewhere. Fall, after the kids have just started school, is a good time to travel. We do not travel during school breaks or holidays."

Walters discovered Nukubati Island Resort, a child-free resort in Fiji, calling it "a small luxury private island resort on coconut plantation with a nearby reef for spectacular snorkeling."

Of course, just because school is in session doesn't mean you will be child-free. "You may still encounter infants and toddlers too young for school," says Walters, "and they do know how to scream."

Kimberly A. Kenney